Family Tea
by olgatheodora
Summary: Family game night in Los Angeles. Sequel to Delayed Tea.
1. Family Games

AN: Sequel to Delayed Tea. Spoilers for both that and _Crossings_.

As was the case with Delayed Tea, this story does tend toward the crack side of things.

Chapter One: Family Games

"Get up."

Unknown hands ripped off her blankets in the dark, letting the cool night air attack her skin. She fumbled to find the drawer on the nightstand next to the bed where her gun waited, knowing that she was too slow, far too slow.

"Don't bother," the heavily accented voice stated. "We already took your gun."

"Are you sure you're Rina and Jack's child?" another voice asked suspiciously. "You have the reflexes of a very slow dog. I'm beginning to have serious doubts about your parentage."

"Do sit up," the other woman said. "We'd like to have a chat with you."

"Who are you?" she gasped out, twisting cautiously from her prone position on the bed to sitting on the edge. "Covenant?"

"Not everyone is Covenant, dear," the second woman said. "It's a difficult concept, but I'm certain you'll grasp it eventually."

Abruptly, the lights flashed on. Sydney's gaze ran from the hand on the switch to the two dark-haired women who stared back at her. One, with almost shockingly short hair, raised a brow in a look bordering on glee.

"Sydney," she asked, "do you always sleep so heavily? It's a bad habit, you should break it."

The other woman, crowned by a tempest of curls, decided to throw in her own lot. "And you should really reinforce your windows, and in general up your security. It's frightfully bad for a CIA agent."

The shorthaired woman laughed. "CIA agents know about security?" she replied in Russian, amused.

"You do have a point," the other conceded. "Come along, Sydney. Let's move this chat to the kitchen. We made tea."

Sydney made no effort to move.

"Well?" the second prodded. "What are you waiting for?"

Sydney scowled, but was given no time to speak.

"She has Rushka's scowl," the first laughed. "How lovely to see it on the second generation." She grabbed Sydney's wrist and pulled her forcefully to her feet. "Don't make me carry you," she warned, towing Sydney behind her through the hall.

Sydney was, as expected, rather shocked. "But… I… who…"

"She must get that from Jack," the first tsked. "Rina was never at a loss for words." Pause. "Much."

"A notable exception would be the morning after our lovely family dinner a few weeks ago," the second replied, and looped her right arm through Sydney's left.

"The poor dear-" and there was no mistaking the sarcasm in her tone, "-had screamed herself hoarse."

Sydney gave up on trying to break into the conversation. But… but…

They weren't talking about her _mother_, were they?

Sydney suddenly felt the unmistakable feeling of squickiness settle in her stomach.

"Don't you have anything to say, dear?" the second asked as they half-dragged her into the kitchen and forcefully seated her on a chair. "Frankly, I would have expected you to have put up more of a fight. Being her child and all."

She handed Sydney a mug of tea, which Sydney hastily put down. There was no telling when liquid contained poison these days.

The first looked up, searching for someone in the back of the room.

"Rushka, come out of the shadows and give your daughter a hug. We may have frightened her."

Sydney twisted around in her chair, eyes wide. "Mama?"

Irina stepped forward to clasp her hands on Sydney's shoulders. "Did they hurt you?" she asked seriously.

Sydney pulled away abruptly, knocking her chair against the table and onto the floor. The table shook, throwing the precariously balanced mug to the tile, where it shattered and spattered everyone with steaming liquid.

Katya sighed. "Rina can't protect hers, you can't keep yours in one piece…" she muttered, kicking an especially large shard under the table.

Sydney backed right into the fridge. "Okay," she almost babbled. "You will explain this _right now_."

The three women exchanged a glance, each expressing a radically different emotion. The first looked almost disgusted. The second, amused.

Irina just looked sympathetic. _My poor, ignorant child,_ her look said. _You have no idea what hell you're about to go through._

As if on cue, they each tucked their hair behind their ears, even the first, who seemed to find it instinctive despite her lack of long hair.

Family resemblance had been well and good, and startlingly easy enough to ignore.

The hair-tuck, however? Difficult evidence to brush aside.

Sydney slid slowly down the fridge until she was sitting on the floor of her apartment, knees pulled up against her chest. "Oh, my God. Oh. My. God."

Irina sighed and sat next to her. "I know, Sydney. I know." She shot a teasing glance at the other two. "I can't believe I'm related to them, either."

The first woman rolled her eyes and righted the overturned chair. "Rushka, don't be difficult. Both of you come and sit down. Watch out for porcelain splinters."

Irina pulled Sydney up. "Don't worry; her bark is worse than her bite. As long as you don't do something completely absurd, of course."

Sydney slumped down in the chair once more. "That's so nice to hear," she mumbled, and buried her head in her hands.

"I'm Katya, by the way," the first woman stated, leaning forward to rap sharply on the table in front of Sydney to jerk her into responding. "Really it's Ekaterina, but I wouldn't advise using that name."

"The last time somebody did he got his liver groped," Irina said sourly, wrapping a protective hand around the mug of tea the second woman handed her, and glaring daggers at Katya.

"Liver?" Sydney asked faintly, tracing a finger hesitantly around the rim of her new mug.

Irina ignored her.

"And I'm Aunt Elena," the second said cheerfully. "Don't mind your mother, she's the youngest."

Sydney stared at her. "I'm afraid that doesn't explain everything."

Elena nodded. "That's right, you are an only child. Irina never gave you brothers and sisters to help acquaint you with sibling politics."

Irina scowled.

"You see," Elena said seriously, "your mother, due to extenuating circumstances directly related to being the youngest child, is prone to fly into irrational rages-"

"Elena…" Irina hissed warningly. "We didn't come here to discuss my so-called problems."

Katya drummed her fingers on the table, bored. "Basically, child, your mother is a bit of a brat."

Sydney and Irina drew in simultaneous indignant gasps, Sydney even going so far as to rocket out of her seat.

"How dare you talk about my mother that way!" She slammed her hands on the table in fury.

Irina blinked in shock, Katya's remark forgotten. "Sydney, sit down," she said gently.

"Mom, are you going to just let her say that?" Sydney replied, stunned.

Irina sighed. "You never had siblings, Sydney. You don't know how this works. Sit down."

Sydney continued to stand, stubborn.

Katya thunked her mug onto the table, splashing tea on the wood. "Sydney, _sit._ Now."

"Why should I?"

"Because I was _almost_ your mother, young lady. Sit!"

Sydney sat.

Irina sighed. "You have to _stop_ playing that card, Katya."

"Why?" Katya asked. "It always gets results, doesn't it?"

Irina sighed again. "Tell her about your… game."

"Game?" Sydney asked suspiciously. "This is about… a game?"

"We love games," Katya replied bluntly. "How about you?"

Sydney looked slowly between her two aunts. "Err…"

Elena held up a hand. "It's okay. Just listen, alright?"

Sydney acquiesced reluctantly. Katya nodded sharply. "Right then," she said. "This is about your Michael Vaughn."

Sydney nearly dropped her mug. "Excuse me?"

"Michael Vaughn, your little French boyfriend." Katya looked over at Irina. "Are you _sure_ this is your child, Rushka?"

Irina shot her a warning look. "Twenty-two hours of labor says she is definitely my child. Stop baiting her, Katya."

"He's not my boyfriend," Sydney protested. "He's married," she admitted slowly. "He's not mine anymore." She seemed to curl in on herself.

"Which isn't your fault at all, as we all know," Elena said efficiently, pinching Katya under the table. "Right, Katya?"

"Of course, Elena," Katya replied smoothly. "Anyway, this game really has to do with his wife."

Sydney looked skeptical. "What, are we going to play chutes and ladders with her?"

"Of course not. At least, not the board game," Katya amended. "If you like, we could find a lovely spot to end our game that contains chutes and ladders of various kinds."

"Almost like a theme game," Elena said cheerfully, eyes sparkling with mischief.

"Indeed," Katya said curtly. "Rather, we're going to trap her, and ultimately kill her. That is the ideal ending of the game."

Sydney shook her head and stood up. She began to pace. "Marrying my former boyfriend isn't exactly an offense," she pointed out. "You can't just kill her for any reason-"

"She's Covenant," Katya interjected, "and she's playing him the exactly same way your loving mother played your dad. Just, of course, without as much skill and, err, beauty." She looked over at Irina. "Obviously not as intoxicating as you were, Rushka."

Sydney considered this for a moment, looking out the small window. Finally she nodded slightly and sat down smoothly, folding her hands neatly on the table.

"Well?" she asked patiently. "What do you suggest?"

Katya allowed herself a moment of approval for her niece.

And then stole Irina's tea, as her own mug was empty.

"Very well," she said, ignoring Irina's low growl. "We begin."


	2. Family Traits

Chapter Two: Family Traits

Sydney looked up as her mother stomped out of the room, scowling. She glanced over at the remaining sister left in the room.

"Aunt Katya, why do you always steal mom's tea?" she asked, careful to keep a reasonable distance between herself and the most volatile of her aunts. She had barely known her for a day, and she could already tell that this was a trademark move of her aunt's.

Katya sipped from the liberated mug, eyes glittering. "Because Irina always makes such a fuss over nothing," she said quietly. "She always has, even when we were children bickering over toys." She shrugged. "We still play with the same toys, but we each have our own now. I have to be creative."

Sydney considered this. "They way you act together is very different than the way I've always known her to act," she pointed out, chin resting on clasped hands.

"Rushka wears her sisterly characteristics like an old coat," Katya replied bluntly. "She doesn't admit it, but it's comfortable to whine and bicker with us, even if the ragged hems let in the cold wind. But then, that's what sisters are for- to huddle together against the chill."

"I have trouble really understanding that," Sydney admitted, looking down at a sheaf of papers between her elbows. "Growing up alone was… different."

Katya shot her a cold look. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Siblings are difficult. Being an only child is difficult. Successfully skinning a man is difficult. I don't put up with sighs and excuses," she said staunchly, then amended her statement thoughtfully. "Except for Rushka's, sometimes."

Sydney raised a brow. "You love her, don't you?"

Katya blinked slowly. "Of course. You don't?"

Sydney shook her head quickly. "Of course I do… I think."

Katya narrowed her eyes. "You… think?"

"Errr…" Sydney suddenly had the feeling she had backed herself into a corner. Of course she loved her mother. Just, you know, twenty years was still something worth working through.

In the end, her father saved her, per usual.

"Daddy," she gasped, catapulting herself out of her seat and almost tackling him as he walked through the door. "Thank God you're h- err, I mean, I'm so glad to see you!"

Jack glared at Katya over Sydney's shoulder. "Katya. You always turn up in the most interesting places."

She smiled winningly. "You know me, Jack." She paused wickedly. "Jacky. I always go where I'm most needed."

Jack sighed and tried to wrest his coat away from his daughter's clinging fingers. "I'm glad to see you too, Sydney," he told her absently, trying to unclench her grasp. "Katya, is that Irina's tea?" he asked suspiciously, gaze falling on the white mug.

She smiled maliciously. "Yes. Tell me, Jack. What are you doing here this evening? Perhaps you've been secreting passive transmitters on Rushka again… that would explain how you have the uncanny knack of always finding her."

Sydney pulled away abruptly. "What was that?" she asked, apprehensive. "Passive transmitters?" She planted her hands on her hips. "Dad, you slept with mom _again_? Daddy!"

"Don't pitch a fit, Sydney," Irina groused from the doorway to the hall, her trademark glare at ten-fold. She switched her gaze to Jack. "Passive transmitters, Jack?"

He involuntarily took a small step back. "No, I don't know anything about transmitters, dear." The look in her eyes doubled. "My love. My darling. My beautiful gazelle bounding through the woods."

Katya cackled, leaning her head on her hands. Sydney winced.

Irina took a step back. "I'm not sure _that_ was entirely necessary, Jack."

He shrugged. "Oh, I know. But I really know nothing about any transmitters." He gave her an innocent look. She quirked a brow, and walked over to him.

"If you say so, Jack." She leaned in to kiss him (Sydney turned away, face squinched). Just as their lips were about to meet, Irina's hand darted into one of his pockets.

She scampered to the other side of the room, waving the small device at him. "No transmitters, was that it, Jack?"

He prepared to die. "Well, Irina…"

She examined it carefully, showing it to Katya. "Look, Katushka. A little dot at this address, and it's labeled-" she stopped, frowning.

Katya grabbed the device from her. "Labeled _schnookums_?" She sighed dramatically, clutching it to her chest. "Jack, Jack, Jack. You didn't need to choose such a generic pet name just to hide the fact that you were tracking… _me_."

She shot a sly look at Irina, and barely managed to get out of the range of her sister's fists. "Rushka, no need to be so touchy…"

Sydney took a seat on the counter, taking care to hide the knives behind her.

Jack shook his head ruefully, watching as his wife stalked his sister-in-law around the table, eyes glittering.

"Katya," Irina hissed. "I think…"

Suddenly, she paused. And to Jack's horror, her gaze switched to him, her eyes gleaming.

"Jack," she said huskily, crooking a finger in his direction. Was that a knife he saw strapped beneath her shirt? "Come _talk_ to me."

"Now there will be none of that," Elena interrupted firmly, walking in with a file in one hand. She snatched the device from Katya's hands. "What kind of family is this? Everyone- yes, _everyone-_ sit down before I get out my gun." She looked over at Sydney. "On the other hand, stay there, Sydney. It was a good idea to hide the knives."

Katya suddenly looked interested. "Knives? She's sitting in front of the knives?"

"_Katya_," Elena warned. "Sit. Everybody."

Katya took her time selecting a seat, watching with interest as Irina all but leapt into Jack's lap (much to Sydney's disgust).

Irina examined her nails innocently, ignoring Elena's sigh. "You could have taken a chair, Rushka."

"I was trying to conserve seats," Irina replied blandly, jabbing an elbow into Jack's ribs. "Besides… he wanted to know where I _was_, obviously. Might as well give him a constant physical reminder…"

Jack was beginning to look like he was enjoying himself. "Can I call you that?"

"What?"

"Rushka."

The elbow slammed against his ribs again. "No! Think up your own damn pet name, but not Rushka and _not_ schnookums!"

Sydney began considering the merits of taking one of the knives from the rack behind her and putting it to use. It had been good thinking to buy those extra-sharp, extra-long cooking knives, she reflected. So shiny. So destructive. So very, very attractive at the moment.

Knives weren't just for slicing tomatoes anymore, obviously. These were family reunion, hands-to-the-table knives. A wonderful notion, Sydney thought, and her hands itched to pin flesh to wood.

On the other hand, that would be so messy. She hated blood on her furniture. She hated gouges in the wood. No, the knives would have to stay where they were.

Elena sat warily in the seat between Katya and the fighting pair. "So," she said sternly. "Jack, I assume you know why we're here."

"Of course," he huffed. "Ms. Reed, right? I've onto her for months."

Sydney decided that while knives were not acceptable to throw, Tupperware was.

"What?!" she screamed, flinging the plastic containers at his head (Irina ducked just enough to avoid the worst). "I've been through unmitigated hell over this for who knows how long and you never bothered to tell me? Daddy!"

He sent the majority of it flying back at her, his aim only slightly put off by the fact that he couldn't really turn around to face his daughter. "Sydney, I've promised you a lot of things, but I never promised to tell you everything you wanted to know. This information was on need-to-know basis and-"

"And I needed to know!" she finished, pushing a strand of hair roughly out of her face, the Tupperware scattered on the floor beneath her feet.

Katya considered making popcorn. What an entertaining family she had stumbled into. "Rushka," she said slyly, "I believe you. She really _is _your daughter, after all."

Irina crossed her arms, looking slightly petulant. "Elena, this is getting rather out of control."

Jack sighed. "I apologize for not telling you, Sydney," he said out of the blue. She gaped at him.

Irina smiled. "That's the man I married," she murmured, and patted his hand.

"That was interesting," Elena muttered dryly. "Well, now that everyone knows, and we all know that we know that we all know-"

Katya snickered. Elena glared.

"-we can plan." She turned to Jack again. "I must admit, having you along for the ride is some unexpected help."

He shrugged. "I knew the chances were good that if Irina was in town, all of you had followed. I figured you were either plotting against someone- and who better than Reed?- or going to a convention."

"A convention?" Katya replied, frowning. "What, a mercenary convention? I didn't realize they did those in America."

"Probably not as good as the one in Greece," Irina chipped in. "Do you remember that short little man who kept hitting on Elena?"

Katya sat up straighter in her chair, while Elena sunk further into hers. "Yes! And she was trying to be all polite and sweet, and he wasn't taking no for an answer-"

"But he did," Irina interrupted in a singsong tone.

"-so we pinned his hands to a table!" Katya finished triumphantly. Irina nodded, smiling.

"Good times," she commented, and kicked Elena under the table. "Keep talking, dear."

"Yes," Elena said wearily, pulling herself back up. "Can we count on you to get Reed to the place of our choosing?" she asked Jack, tying her hair back into a short ponytail. He nodded. She sighed, relieved. "Fine. Sydney, I assume you want to deal the final blow?"

Sydney looked surprisingly reluctant. "I don't think so."

"Why not?" Irina demanded, looking at her over Jack's shoulder.

"Well, we didn't kill you," she replied reasonably. "Well, there may have been a few half-hearted attempts, but come on! You're sitting in dad's lap and still breathing. Besides," she continued. "I can't kill his wife. He'd never come near me _then_."

She slid off the counter and kicked the Tupperware out of her way, stomping out of the room.

Katya propped her chin on her right hand. "Flawed logic," she said in a clipped tone. "He'd sleep with her, anyway."

Jack growled quietly, and Irina threw the device across the table at Katya's head. She ducked, and the small black box buried itself in the sheetrock of the wall.

"She's going make you pay for that, you know," Elena reprimanded, and pulled a calculator out of her pocket. "Let's see," she murmured. "Damage to the sheetrock, scratches in her coffee table, knives in the doors, broken dishware, bent silverware…"

She whistled at the amount reflected on the small screen. "Impressive. Very impressive. It's-"

She looked up. "Where are the two of you going?" she asked indignantly as Jack and Irina stood.

"Out," Irina replied enigmatically. "Don't wait up." She looked smug as Jack ushered her out the door.

Katya drummed her fingers absently on the table, and finally poked the empty mug in front of her. "She didn't even try to have tea before she left," she sniffed.

"You'll just have to make your own," Elena replied sensibly.

Katya sighed, peeved. "Damn Rushka. Always spoiling my fun."


	3. Family Sacrifices

_Chapter Three: Family Sacrifices _

"What are her weaknesses?" Elena asked absently, holding up a length of fabric to the light.

Sydney shrugged. "Tweezers, maybe. What are you going to do with that?"

Elena skimmed her fingers across the silk of the sari. "Curtains, maybe," she mused. "Or some nice throw pillows."

Sydney considered the red silk again. "It's very bright," she pointed out. "I wore a wig that color once. Twice, actually."

Elena nodded. "Exactly. The place where we are currently living could use a bit of color."

"Where are you all living, again?"

"That's a question better left unasked, dear," Elena advised. "If you knew, we would expect you to visit, which I hardly think is your idea of fun at the moment."

Sydney blanched. "Visiting… mother and aunts… small house…" She wandered to the other side of the shop, face white and legs slightly unsteady. Elena followed her, the sari tucked under her arm.

"Don't forget that your father would probably visit too," Elena continued wickedly. "And we have very thin walls."

Sydney clamped her hands over her ears; ignoring the odd look the shopkeeper was giving them. "Hear no evil see no evil speak no evil…" she muttered, as if it was a mantra.

"That's right, Sydney," Elena said soothingly. "Keep telling yourself that." She walked unhurriedly to the desk and dropped the sari on the surface. Sydney escaped into the sunshine, barely watching where she was going.

Which would explain why she immediately walked into a certain former handler.

She bounced back, cheeks flushed. "Sorry," she said quickly. "Not watching where I'm going these days…"

He studied the wall. "No problem." Looked towards the street. "Taking the week off?"

She shrugged. "Yeah. Yeah, dad and I are… umm… doing family things." Her shoes became extremely interesting. "How's Lauren?"

"She's fine," he replied. "She wants to have dinner again."

Sydney hid her wince. She would take an orange juice enema over another dinner with the Vaughns. "How lovely!" she chirped, crossing her fingers behind her back. "I'll take a look at my calendar…"

A slim hand clamped onto her shoulder. "Sydney, are you ready to go?" Elena asked calmly, tucking the paper wrapped sari into her shoulder bag. "We'll be late meeting your father."

Vaughn's eyes widened. "Sydney, I don't believe I've met your…?" He shot her a glare.

"Aunt," Elena supplied smoothly. "I'm Melissa Bristow, Jack's little sister." She smiled charmingly. "I'm in town for the week, catching up with Jack and little Syd." Her arm slipped around Sydney's shoulders. "Isn't that right, Sydney?"

Sydney smiled brightly. "That's right, Aunt Lissa." She beamed at Vaughn. "So nice to see you, we'll talk later, must run!"

She turned, dragging Elena with her down the sidewalk. Vaughn stared after them, eyes thoughtful.

Something, he mused, was not right with this picture. At all.

Elena tried to look back at him. "He's rather attractive," she said neutrally, patting Sydney's shoulder. "Don't worry dear, we'll deal with his little blonde problem."

"The three of you are out to destroy me," Sydney stated grimly. "I'm really doubting your intentions right about now."

Elena sighed and relinquished her hold on Sydney's shoulder. "Keep acting like a little girl and we'll send you to your room before the fun starts."

Sydney smothered a giggle. "I apologize," she replied contritely. They walked silently down the next stretch of street. Finally, Sydney asked, "What was my mother like as a child?"

Elena tilted her head, smiling softly. "Scrappy. She and Katya were like kittens, always attacking each other in play. Katya was rebellious, and Irina was the tag-a-long."

"And you were the serious one?"

She shrugged. "I tried to keep them alive. It was a full-time job. I didn't have much time to experiment with other identities."

Sydney considered this. "Do you regret that?"

"Not at all. What good would being irresponsible do me if I ended up losing my sisters to a squabble over the front seat?" Elena replied reasonably.

"They fight over the front seat?"

"Sydney, dear, they fight over _everything_. My advice is never to get between them, ever." She pulled up her left sleeve and showed Sydney the long scar above her elbow. "1970." Pointed out another on the other arm, above the wrist. "1995." She paused to examine a dress in a window display.

"They were fighting with _knives_?" Sydney asked, aghast. "And they _cut_ you?"

"Only if I get in the way. Just call me the sacrificial lamb," Elena replied, making a face at the trim on the hem. "Trust me, they stop fighting as soon as blood is shed- mine or theirs." She suddenly laughed. "Especially if Irina is the one cut. Katya once accidentally sliced her across the stomach, and I have never seen Katushka be so much of a mother hen. Rina was waited on hand and foot for a month straight." She tossed back her hair. "But usually the blood is mine."

Sydney grabbed her aunt's arm and examined the longest scar while they walked. "I don't think I ever quite realized how violent this family was," she mused. "I mean, I knew you were all violent… but knives against sisters? Crazy."

"Normal," Elena retorted. "And I think your boyfriend is trying to get your attention."

"Huh?" Sydney spun around, nearly smacking into Vaughn. He took a hold of her arm and pulled her into a small side street.

"Sydney, there is no way in _hell_ that is your father's sister!" he hissed, glancing at Elena, who had sauntered after them.

She seized his arm, seeking out a particular nerve. "Mr. Vaughn, I'm in town on business," she said pleasantly as he gasped in pain. "I suggest you go your way and we'll go ours, hmmm?" She smiled. "I'll tell Irina you said 'hi'." She released him, and reached for Sydney's hand. "Come along, dear. Your parents will be missing you."

"Hardly," Sydney muttered. "Not the way they're going at it."

"Like bunnies," Elena agreed. "Still. We can have tea with Katya." She glanced back at Vaughn. "Silence, Mr. Vaughn. It's your best option at the moment."

He almost looked like he agreed.


	4. Family Politics

Chapter Four: Family Politics

Sydney walked in the door to find her aunt Katya and both parents cordially ignoring each other in the living room. While her mother and younger aunt did have periods of non-communication (interspersed with violence), she knew by now that her parents preferred to work out any- and all- issues in bed.

Her lips pursed in disgust. At least they were usually kind enough to seek out alternative locations for their sport, rather than lock themselves in her bedroom.

Even if it did mean avoiding her own small laundry room like Hades.

She caught Elena's eyes, and her oldest aunt rolled her eyes before sauntering into the guest bedroom. Sydney dropped her purse on the table along with her keys, surveying the trio silently with her hands planted on her hips. Except for her mother, they all avoided her gaze. Irina looked up from her book long enough to meet her eyes briefly, looking like a slightly disgruntled cat.

Elena re-entered the room, and plopped down between her two sisters. "I'm so glad I can leave the two of you alone for a few hours without coming back to find both of you dead," she told them seriously. "It gives me hope."

She looked over at Jack. "Now, I'm used to them declaring holy war on each other, but I'd love to know why you and Rushka aren't cooing over each other like usual." She frowned and poked Irina's shoulder. "Stop sulking, Rina."

Irina grimaced at her, and moved to the end of the couch, closer to Jack.

"Rushka's just annoyed because her favorite weapons supplier was arrested this morning," Katya offered, snapping to the next page of the magazine she was skimming. "I'll give you three guesses on who gave the order to arrest, and the first two don't count."

Irina glared disapprovingly at Jack over the top of her book, stubbornly silent.

Sydney realized that if she ever wanted to get laundry done, the time was now. She hightailed it out of the room, generating enough momentum that she nearly ran into the wall. Irina was momentarily distracted, but quickly resumed her glaring duties.

Elena threw a pillow at her little sister. "It's nothing to declare war over, Rina."

Irina snapped her book shut. Elena caught a glimpse of the title.

_Crime and Punishment. _

Her little sister had always had an instinct for appropriate reading material in every circumstance.

"That's ten million of my money down the drain!" Irina hissed. "He hadn't filled my order yet!" She flung the pillow back at Elena.

Jack threw his hands into the air. "How was I supposed to know you had just spent that much on a few guns?"

"Diamond blades!" she interrupted, slamming a fist onto the arm of the couch.

He gaped at her. "What the hell do you need diamond blades for?!"

"For skinning people like you!" she retorted, making an attempt to throw her book at his head. Elena caught her wrist.

"No, Rushka," she scolded. "Not right now."

"Yes, right now!"

Elena turned, surprised, to see a desperate Sydney in the doorway. "Let them cause minor damage. Do you know how long it has been since I had a chance to do laundry? I'm almost out of socks!"

Elena considered this, and then plucked the book from Irina's hand. "No throwing, no strangling, no punching, no shooting, no blood-letting, no ritual sacrifices…" she reeled off quickly. "Just sit. Both of you. Now." She turned back to Sydney. "I hope you _really_ appreciate those socks, dear."

"Oh, I do, I do!" She made a grateful gesture towards her aunt. "Thank you so much!" And ran back down the hall.

Katya held up the magazine. "Rushka, perhaps you should get a column with these people. They need a columnist who writes about more than better orgasms and firmer thighs. Although," she added thoughtfully, "you could probably give them a few tips about both of those as well."

Elena grabbed the magazine. "You're not helping."

Katya ignored her. "Don't you think a few columns about torturing techniques would pep it up a bit?"

Irina tussled with Elena briefly for possession of her book. Elena relinquished it after little struggle, watching carefully to make sure Irina wasn't intending on using it as a weapon. She hid a smile as Irina nestled back down with the book, flouncing slightly as she settled.

Jack had managed to snitch the morning's paper from the coffee table, but he watched his wife warily while pretending to read. She flicked a glance at him from over her book, and their eyes met.

It took a lot of willpower for Irina to not stick her tongue out at him.

Elena had the feeling that had she and Katya not been sitting in the room, Irina would be playing out her vengeance in an entirely different form, probably one that both she and Jack would have better appreciated than this covert staring game.

She sighed, and scooted over next to Irina. "Rushka," she murmured, "ten million is nothing." She wrapped an arm comfortingly around her little sister's shoulders.

Irina remained unmoved.

"What is ten million to you?" Elena said soothingly. "You have plenty of money. I'll place your next order for diamond knives through my supplier personally. For half off. I swear." She shot Jack a displeased look. "And this time they won't disappear, hmm?"

Irina turned to the next page so fiercely that the paper nearly ripped in half.

Katya drummed her fingers briefly on the arm of the sofa. "Well, if you're going to be that way, Rushka…"

She stood and sauntered over to Jack's chair. He looked up at her cagily, shifting slightly closer to Irina.

Katya smiled slightly, and perched on the arm of his chair, leaning down to him. "Tell me, Jack-"

Irina stood up and shoved her sister off the chair, as she herself sat territorially in Jack's lap. She opened her book again, ignoring him studiously.

Katya dusted her hands off, grinning. "That's how you do it, Elena."

Elena shook her head, hiding a smile. Jack pressed a kiss to Irina's temple and slid an arm around her waist.

Her eyes didn't leave her book. "Some of them were for you," she said in an injured tone. "There goes your next Christmas present."

"I do appreciate the thought, darling," he replied, stroking her hair. "I'll try not to interfere with your Christmas shopping again."

"Hmph." She turned a page thoughtfully, ignoring his ministrations. "You do that."

Sydney entered triumphantly, but stopped short when she saw her parents occupying the same seat. "Have they made up?" she asked Katya, who shrugged.

"They're at a midway point," Katya replied. "How long do you need to finish your laundry?"

"Two hours?" Sydney estimated, taking the chair opposite her parents.

Katya nodded. "Rushka will sulk for a while yet. Don't worry too much." She resumed drumming her fingers on the tabletop. "How long until we can get this game underway?" she asked impatiently.

Elena resisted thwapping her on the head with the discarded magazine. "A day, Katya. A day. Timing is everything."

Sydney averted her gaze from her parents, as her mother pretended to ignore the fact that Jack was currently kissing her neck. She wasn't doing a very good job at ignoring him, Sydney thought. Her hopes of fresh laundry were slowly sinking. In fact, she really wanted to down a stiff drink. Right now. Maybe some nice tequila… and what was it about tequila that was niggling at the back of her mind…

Katya and Elena were both mildly alarmed when Sydney began to curse vehemently in several languages, looking wildly around the apartment and at her watch. Jack pulled away from Irina slightly, both of her parents rather shocked.

"Sydney?" Irina asked. "What is it?"

Sydney buried her head in her hands. "We are _so _screwed!" she moaned, and looked at her watch again. As if on cue, there was a knock at the door.

"Syd!" someone yelled from the hallway. "Are we still having dinner?"

She stood and threw back her hair, still rather wild-eyed. "Weiss, right now isn't a good time!" she yelled, wondering where she could hide her relatives if he insisted on entering.

"But I brought wine," he replied charmingly, opening the door. Sydney considered shooting herself, because not locking the door had certainly won her the ".ever" award for the decade.

She dashed for the door as he stood in front of it, stunned. She managed to shut and lock it before he could blink.

"Syd, what the hell is going on here?" he demanded, waving a hand at her family.

She sighed sadly. "Weiss, you've always been such a good friend to me," she whispered. "But now my aunts will have to kill you."

"Hardly," Irina said curtly, snapping her book shut. "He'll get to live. Isn't that right, Jack?" she asked, purposefully acknowledging him for the first time in over an hour.

"I'm all for it," he replied dryly, "but Katya might go into shock if she doesn't kill someone soon."

Irina had to admit that her sister was looking rather homicidal around the edges.

Elena gave into the urge she had been repressing and thumped Katya soundly on the head with the magazine. "Don't even consider it, Katushka," she snapped. "Please, Mr. …, err…"

"Weiss," Sydney offered.

"Mr. Weiss. Please sit down." Elena pointed regally towards the chair Sydney had abandoned. "Please," she repeated when he hadn't made a move. Sydney slipped a hand around his arm, pleading with him silently.

He considered the bottle of wine in his other hand, and raised a brow sardonically at her. She shrugged, mouthing an apology. He sighed and took the chair, eyes widening when Irina waved briefly at him from Jack's lap, her eyes glittering.

Elena offered him her hand. "Mr. Weiss, I'm Elena Derevko, Irina's oldest sister. This is Katya- I would stay a few feet away for the moment, she hasn't been fed for the past few days." She took the wine bottle from his hand. "Wow, this is a good year. Are you sure you were only coming over for dinner?"

Weiss and Sydney blushed simultaneously.

"Quite sure, aunt," Sydney replied, crossing her arms grumpily.

"Very well." Elena shrugged, and set the wine on the table. "Mr. Weiss, this is really just your typical family reunion… you know, hugging, talking-"

"Slaying," Katya interjected casually.

"_Katushka_," Elena hissed.

"Tell him the truth," Irina said, toying with Jack's collar absently. "He needs to hear it."

"It concerns Agent Vaughn," Jack stated seriously, and Weiss knew that if he ever managed to escape this apartment alive, he would never be able to sit through a conference with Jack without imagining his crazy Russian tart of a wife curled up on his lap.

"How?" Weiss replied, suspicious.

"To be more accurate, _Mrs. _Vaughn," Katya said. "We're extracting her." She smiled cruelly. "You may take that statement in any way you wish."

His eyes widened. "Lauren? I'm not totally following your line of thought."

Elena perched on the arm of the sofa, next to Katya. "Lauren Reed is Covenant," she told him plainly. "This is not just family vengeance, understand," she said gravely. "We have other reasons for taking under our control a key member of the Covenant, important reasons. We don't take this lightly, Mr. Weiss."

"His name is Eric," Irina offered.

"Thank you, Rushka," Elena replied, keeping a straight face although she felt the bizarre urge to laugh. "Eric, can we count on you to keep silent on this matter?"

Weiss was beginning to understand why the women of this family were considered so hard to resist.

He glanced at Jack, well aware that if he decided to rat them out Sydney's father would pull out his guts inch by inch, possibly by the hour. Possibly with Irina's help.

"I," he confirmed, "am as silent as the grave."

Jack looked slightly sour. "Considering how certain people are adept at dying and miraculously coming back to life-"

Irina shot him a disgruntled look.

"-that might not be the best promise," he finished, stroking the palm of her hand soothingly. She looked slightly mollified.

Sydney let out a breath, relieved. Danger averted. Hopefully. She exchanged a glance with Elena, smiling slightly.

Elena shrugged. All in a day's work.

After all, being the family diplomat was a full-time job.


	5. Family Quirks

Chapter Five: Family Quirks

"Somehow," Sydney said, "I expected this to be a lot more dramatic."

"Drama is for amateurs, dear," Elena advised, expertly ridding the syringe she was prepping of air bubbles. "With drama you are always in danger of missing a clue, or being inattentive long enough to get shot." She injected the clear liquid into a vein located in the crook of Lauren's arm.

"She was already completely knocked out, Aunt Elena," Sydney said pointedly. "Was the extra shot entirely necessary?"

Elena shrugged. "Safeguard. It won't be enough to kill her, trust me." She grinned sardonically. "She's made of tougher stuff than that, obviously."

Sydney looked pained. "Unfortunately." She half turned in her seat to face Weiss, who smiled grimly. "Regret knocking on my door last night, don't you?"

He shot a covert look at Katya, who was driving fast enough to warrant the use of helmets and reinforced seatbelts. "Uhh… never, Syd."

She didn't quite believe him.

"Eric, what are your policies on child rearing?" Elena asked innocently, keeping her eyes on Lauren as she checked the rope around her wrists and ankles.

Weiss looked confused. "I really haven't given it that much thought. Why, if I could ask?"

"I like you," she replied seriously. "I think Jack and Irina do, too. What a fine son-in-law you would make."

Sydney dropped the tube of lip-gloss she was holding. "Aunt Lena!"

"In our defense, child," Katya said dryly, taking a corner fiercely, "we're only trying to do what's best for the family. That's what we've been doing all along."

Elena was doubtful. "Katya, this isn't just family revenge."

"Of course not," she snapped back. "This is a game; it's what we do best. But if a game and the family's best interest coincide, then that's a lovely thing, isn't it? Of course it is," she answered herself forcefully.

Weiss leaned across his seat in order to whisper to Sydney. "I thought they were trying to match-make you with Vaughn."

"So did I," she muttered back. "I'm not pleased with them, no matter what direction they go in. Is it so much to ask to run my own life, deal with my own ex-boyfriends?"

"Yes!" Katya replied, much to Sydney's dismay. "You belong to us, and as the older generation we run things."

"No one ever said this family was a democracy, dear," Elena informed her warmly, and patted her hand.

"So what is it?" Sydney asked.

"An empire." She smiled mischievously, and whispered the next in Sydney's ear. "And I'm the ruling empress."

"No, you're not!" Katya sneered. "Our family is based in anarchy. We don't have one true leader."

"But I'm the one who keeps you and Rushka from tearing each other apart," Elena replied mildly. "I should get some respect for that."

"And you do," Katya told her, affronted, and slammed to a screeching stop outside of a warehouse. "We just don't think you should have the crown."

"Rushka would look the best in it," Elena conceded, "she's always had that queenly air."

"She'd probably fling it against the wall within the hour," Katya snarked. "You know how she feels about head-gear."

"True." Elena hefted Lauren's unconscious body out of the van with Sydney and Weiss' help. "Thank you."

Irina looked up from her seat at a small table as they staggered in. She dropped the file she had been skimming on the table and stood. "Lovely, our guest has finally arrived." She clasped a protective hand over her still hot mug of tea, glancing briefly at Katya. "Jack, we're about ready," she called.

He walked down a set of stairs that ended next to the main door, and handed his wife a compact cell phone. "The reception here is terrible," he complained, and she nodded sympathetically.

Katya and Elena made quick work of settling Lauren in a reclining chair (Sydney had sudden flashbacks of her unfortunate dental experience so many years ago), and affixed her wrists and ankles to special bars they had installed for just that purpose. Katya, it turned out, had a hidden flair for construction.

They stepped back and surveyed their work, and Elena clapped her hands briefly, pleased.

"We'll just wait for her to regain consciousness, and then we can begin," she decided, and took a seat next to Irina at the table. "Where did you get your tea, Rushka?"

Irina gestured to the small hallway. "Down the hall, to the right."

Katya eyed her tea. Irina glared at her.

"Elena," she added, "get Katya a cup of tea, as well." She pulled the mug closer to her body territorially, eyes narrowed. "Let her make you some tea, Katya," she gritted out between her teeth.

Katya considered her little sister, and nodded slowly. "Okay…" she replied. "Elena, let me come with you…"

They left, leaving Irina decidedly victorious.

Weiss leaned against the wall, wondering what he had gotten himself into. Sydney claimed Elena's abandoned seat, and propped her chin on her hands.

"I don't think you've completely considered the backlash your actions will create," she commented. "We just kill her, and you expect us to get away with it?"

"Of course not," Irina replied, and sipped her tea. "The plan has changed… slightly."

"In what way?"

"You don't need to know yet," her mother said, and opened the file. "You'll know when you need to know."

"It's situations like this that keep getting me in trouble," Sydney muttered. "I can't see how this will end well."

"Everything in its own time," Irina replied enigmatically. "You sound like you need some tea, dear. Go and get a cup from your aunts."

Sydney tapped a finger against her chin, thoughtful. In a quick move, her hand darted out and grabbed Irina's cup. She leaned back and sipped, silently daring her mother to do anything.

If it had been Katya, Irina would have leapt across the table and tackled her. But as it was her daughter… alternative measures would have to be taken. Jack covertly removed the file from between them and took a few steps away, interested to see how this would play out.

In the end, Irina decided on the direct method, and simply held out her hand demandingly.

Sydney blinked at the look in her mother's eyes, and shrewdly decided to return the mug.

The level of tension receded in the room, and both Weiss and Jack sighed, relieved.

Katya reentered, bearing two cups. She placed one in front of Sydney, and looked curiously between her niece and sister. "Did something happen?"

Irina sipped her tea, glowering. "Sydney seems to have inherited your tea-stealing tendencies, in some odd twist of fate." She glared piercingly at her daughter, who was wise enough to shrink against the back of her chair sheepishly. "And she will _never do it again_, right?"

Sydney nodded meekly. "Yes, mom."

"Good."

Katya patted Sydney's shoulder. "It was good to attempt it, though," she informed her niece wisely. "I'm proud of you."

Before Irina could properly reply to whatever her sister was insinuating, Lauren woke.

Elena, who had entered in time to catch the last exchange, raised a brow. "Amazing. She should properly be out for another hour, at least."

Lauren sputtered something unintelligible. Katya left her mug on the table and stalked over to the chair.

"Where do your loyalties lie?" she queried menacingly. Lauren spat in her face.

Weiss winced. Lauren had no idea how big of a mistake she had just made.

Katya pulled back slightly and dabbed at her cheek delicately with a lace-trimmed handkerchief she had pulled out of her pocket. Sydney shot her mother a look of surprise. Irina shrugged.

"Her trademark quirk," she whispered to her daughter. "Well, professionally, anyway." She looked sourly at her tea, and Sydney avoided her eyes. She would never pull _that_ trick again, obviously.

"Ms. Reed," Katya said dryly, "I would highly encourage cooperation. My family has never been one for patience under duress, or in any instance. Now, where do your loyalties lie?"

Lauren scowled. "With the NSA. With Michael Vaughn. With… with Sydney Bristow."

Sydney realized she must not be readily in view (and that Lauren was obviously as blind to family resemblance as she herself had once been). She pulled back quietly, resisting the urge to fling the tea and cup at Lauren's head.

"Sydney Bristow?" Katya asked in mock surprise, winking quickly at Sydney. "You're loyal to both your husband and his ex? You must be a paragon of patience and understanding." Her almost pleasant demeanor rapidly cycled back to impatient. "Unfortunately, Bristow and I have complicated ties," she said curtly, making it sound as if she and Sydney had a long history of engaging in blazing shoot-outs. "Your loyalty to her is… most displeasing."

A gleaming, sharp knife replaced the handkerchief.

"Talk, Ms. Reed. We know more than you could ever imagine."

Sydney settled back in her chair, hands wrapped around her mug. This was turning out to be most interesting.

And _very_ entertaining.


	6. Family Tricks

Chapter Six: Family Tricks

Elena looked bored, and Sydney could tell that the fact was evident to Irina as soon as she reentered the room. This seemed to worry her mother so much that she forwent her usual perch on Jack's lap to sit next to her oldest sister. They exchanged a few words quietly in Russian, and Elena laughed softly, shook her head, and tucked a strand of hair behind Irina's ear.

Thanks to the placing of the chair facing away from them, Lauren was doubtless unaware of the exact identities of the other people in the room… although she definitely knew they were there. Sydney had to give Lauren credit for standing up to most of her aunt's more _unusual_ interrogation techniques, but it was beginning to look like she had finally cracked.

Lauren, that is, Sydney amended silently. Aunt Katya had definitely lost a few of her marbles sometime way back.

She made a note not to mention that aloud.

Katya abruptly whirled around and stalked towards the table where they sat. Weiss courteously abandoned his chair for her, which she immediately took.

"You go, Elushka," she growled, grappling with Irina over her almost full mug. "I need a short break."

Elena looked pleased, and as she stood she pulled a small pair of tweezers out of her pocket and winked at Sydney, who wondered where she had seen that particular instrument before. Katya and Irina continued fighting over the cup silently, the younger slapping at the elder's hands viciously.

Elena took a small chair with her, and seated herself next to Lauren.

"Hello," she said warmly, and Sydney began to wonder where her eldest aunt had gotten her personality, and why it rarely made appearances in her two sisters.

"I tell you, I work for the NSA!" Lauren pleaded. "I can give you information; anything you want. I-"

She paused. "Tweezers?"

"Your eyebrows could use a bit of shaping, dear," Elena told her, and patted the closest hand. "Keep going."

Lauren hesitated.

"Don't worry, Ms. Reed. I'm not the one you want to worry about at the moment." She expertly began plucking. Lauren winced, but after some of the previous techniques considered this a temporary reprieve. "Why don't you tell me about how you met your husband? Some nice girl talk would do you good."

Lauren drew in a shaky breath. "I met Michael Vaughn while wrapping up the case against Sydney Bristow's mother."

"Ah yes, whatshername." Elena nodded vaguely, managing to convey almost a motherly attitude towards Lauren. "How long after Sydney's death was this?"

"About a year. He was very hostile, at first."

"I'm sure he was." Elena pulled back. "They're looking much better already. So, he was hostile? Most men usually are."

Irina scowled at Katya, who had finally succeeded in stealing her tea. Weiss thought about asking Jack if this was the way this family always behaved. Sydney continued to ponder the mystery of the tweezers.

"Well, he had been through some very traumatic experiences less than a year before," Lauren explained. "And the case was close to the heart of matters for him, and he was naturally very upset at my proposals… probably because they went against the wishes of Jack Bristow."

"Men," Elena sighed. "So, what were your proposals?"

"Naturally, we already had a price on Derevko's head."

"Naturally."

"I proposed we up the price, and take measures to prepare for her capture and execution."

An icy chill radiated over Elena's face. "I see."

"Michael was still very much under the power of Sydney's memory, and loyal to her father because of it. Instead of agreeing with me as might have been expected, given what she did to his father, he chose to agree with Agent Bristow."

"I see." She scrutinized her handiwork. "Well, I'm done." She held up a small mirror so that Lauren could look, her movements slightly jerky.

Lauren gasped. "That's lovely! You're a master with those."

"Thank you." Elena put the small mirror away. "Tell me, Lauren. Why were you so in favor of the death penalty for Irina Derevko?"

"Common sense. In her file are dozens of murders and incidents that she has been behind. There is also, of course, her treasonous actions with Bristow, both with and without his knowledge."

"So you think she should be executed without qualm?"

Irina leaned forward in her seat.

"Definitely," Lauren replied. "If given the chance, I would shoot her myself."

"I see." Elena glanced over at Irina, who was interested at the obvious rage in her oldest sister's face. Elena picked up the tweezers almost idly.

"Do you know her?" Lauren asked, mildly interested.

"Certainly." Elena thumbed the side of the tweezers, stroking the catch with a slight amount of force. The long, thin blade that sprang into view was enough to make Lauren squirm in fear. "What would you say, Ms. Reed, if I told you that Irina was my little sister?"

She plunged the blade through Lauren's right hand, sending the blade deep into the padding and scratching against the metal of the chair's skeleton. Lauren's scream was more of a shriek, echoing around the large room. It finally trailed off into a low, keening sob.

"I thought so," Elena said coldly, and walked back to the table.

Sydney slammed her hand against her forehead. The tweezers! Marshall! He had made those tweezers for her when she had still been with SD-6! And then she had lost them in Moscow… while fighting a woman with dark, curly hair… oh _hell_.

Katya and Irina exchanged open-mouthed looks of shock. As Elena neared the table, Katya jumped up and bowed.

"Brilliant, darling, brilliant," she said crisply, pulling Elena into a rare hug. Elena smiled wanly at her, shaking her head.

She walked a few more steps and stopped in front of Irina, an eyebrow quirked questioningly.

"I'll forgive you for stealing my trick this one time," Irina finally said, clasping her hand fondly.

"That's nice of you, Rushka," Elena replied. "Katya, give me what's left of your tea."

Irina quickly snatched back her former cup and handed it to Elena. "Enjoy it while it's yours," she said darkly, and glanced over at Jack. "Dear, what about…" She waved her hand in Lauren's direction.

Sydney stood before he could reply. "I will," she said clearly, loud enough for Lauren to hear. Jack sighed at the folly of the young, and Weiss rolled his eyes at Jack's sigh.

Sydney pulled out of her bag a small box, and after a detour at the sink to wash her hands went to take Elena's former seat. Lauren's look was nothing short of triumphant _I knew it!,_ even through her obvious distress.

Sydney smiled sympathetically, and quickly set up the small table next to her with the contents of the box. She carefully pulled the small knife out of Lauren's hand (which, judging by her whimpers, was a very painful experience), and set to work sterilizing the wound and staunching the flow of blood.

"Listen," she whispered, expertly cleaning the blood away, "we know you're Covenant, and we have proof. This is an unfortunate complication," she continued, gesturing at the wound, "but-"

"Sydney," Lauren interrupted sharply, "I just had a knife slammed through my hand. It is more than a _complication._" She was almost straining for breath. "I should have known you were working with your mother, that your father was too."

Sydney sighed. "Working with mama was a very attractive option for him." She pulled out a length of medical gauze, and began wrapping Lauren's hand. "Lauren, this doesn't have to end as badly as you think."

"I'm going to get you fired for this," Lauren hissed. "Possibly killed."

"I hardly think the NSA would spring for the death sentence just for this."

Lauren seethed. "I could make it happen."

"And be arrested yourself?"

"It would be in the public interest. Your whole family is batshit crazy."

"Thank you," Sydney chirped in reply. "My aunts make life fun, don't you think?"

"I don't envy your relations." Lauren stoically tried to ignore the sight of new blood staining the white gauze. "I don't know where the lot of you got this insane idea that I'm Covenant, but-"

"Oh, Julian told me," Irina offered from across the room.

Lauren paused. "Julian?"

"Yes," Katya replied. "He also gave us some lovely pictures that I'm sure Michael would be highly interested in."

"I… see." Lauren looked contemplative. "What do you want from me?"

"A confession," Jack told her. "And your cooperation."

"In what?"

"In everything." He shrugged. "Otherwise, Agent Vaughn will be receiving copies of our lovely photographs within the next half-hour."

Lauren's gaze fixed on the wall. "No."

"No?" Elena questioned, strolling up to her with the unsheathed tweezers still in her hand. She met Lauren's gaze.

Lauren's eyes widened, and she shrunk back against the chair. "Yes. I confess."

"To being what?"

"A Covenant agent."

"Good." Elena walked away.

"Thank you for confessing," Sydney said crisply. She had a few of her own knives to grind. "Was seducing and marrying Vaughn completely necessary?"

"For our purposes, yes."

"Why?"

Lauren hesitated. "I don't know."

Sydney shot her a disbelieving look. "Uh-huh." Then paused, the look on Lauren's face sheepishly embarrassed. "You really don't know."

Lauren shrugged, slightly pale. "I'm sorry it hurt you, Agent Bristow. But, know… I had nothing to do with your abduction." Her voice was strained from pain.

Irina slammed a chair next to Sydney's. "Would you be willing to sign papers in your own blood testifying to that fact?" she asked, sitting.

Lauren smile was weak and quivering. "I think there is plenty here for that purpose."

Irina looked pleased. "Very well," she said, waving a sheaf of papers in Lauren's face and pulling a small syringe out of the box on the table. She paused and evaluated the job Sydney had done with the bandaging. "My former KGB instructor would have given you an A on your technique, Sydney," she noted, "but then he would have reprimanded you for doing it before he collected a proper blood sample."

Sydney scowled and watched silently as her mother quickly drew the blood sample, and handed the syringe to Katya, who set to work on filling the ink chamber of a sturdy black pen.

"You're really having her sign with her own blood?" she asked, perplexed.

Irina shrugged. "You were the one complaining about the lack of drama." She rummaged around in the box, and pulled out a similar syringe. "That was the drama. This is the insurance. This," she began seriously, "contains a tracking device. Ms. Reed, it will capture your every movement. It cannot be neutralized without our express permission- which will never come- and it will be with you until the end of your natural life." She paused. "You do not get a choice."

Suddenly Sydney realized why her mother had been such an excellent university professor- she had scared the hell out of all of her students.

They must have really loved her, she reflected sincerely, remembering her own professors.

Irina brushed Lauren's hair away from her neck and poised the needle. Abruptly she pulled away. "Why don't you do this, Jack?" she asked innocently, waving the needle at him.

He looked away from Elena, who was still pacing across the other side of the room. "Why?"

She smiled darkly at the needle. "Considering you have such experience with implanting tracking devices of all kinds on me, I thought you would appreciate the offer to hone your skills with other women."

Jack grinned wryly. "No thank you, Irina. You should know by now that I only place transmitters on you."

She returned the sardonic smile. "Thankfully." She turned back and injected the small transmitter into Lauren's neck.

Lauren winced, smiled weakly, and accepted the pen Katya handed her. "So glad to be working with you."

"Oh no, Ms. Reed," Irina replied. "The pleasure is all ours." She leaned closer as Lauren signed, and pointed out the different spots where she should initial and inscribe her name.

"As a warning, Ms. Reed," she whispered, smiling grimly, "if you betray any of us… I will send Elena after you."

She left Lauren to consider this, taking the papers with her.

Sydney leaned back in her chair, displeased.


	7. Family Tea

Chapter Seven: Family Tea

"I still can't believe you told him that it was stigmata… and he believed you," Sydney groused, examining the healing wounds in Lauren's hands. "Was he always so… like that?"

Lauren shrugged. "He can get a bit carried away when he's worried." She sighed dramatically. "Besides, people always thought I was rather saintly."

Sydney stared at her. "Uh huh." She pocketed the small disk Lauren had given her. "By the way, my aunt will be meeting with you in a few weeks." She busily sorted through the papers on the small table between them.

Lauren's eyes widened, and she backed away slightly. "Your… aunt."

"Yeah, Aunt Elena will be town and mom wanted her to debrief you." Sydney looked up and caught a glimpse of Lauren's face. "Calm down. Just don't talk badly about mom or Aunt Katya and you should come through it fine."

"Sure," Lauren replied weakly, staring at her hands. "You bet." She pulled a small piece of paper out of her purse and began making a quick list.

"What are you doing?"

"Thinking of everything I need to do first- put my will in order, burn the papers under the floorboard in the bedroom, etc…"

Sydney rolled her eyes. "Wimp. Now, if it was Aunt Katya… I would see where you are coming from. Because Aunt Katya doesn't wait for a reason, like Aunt Elena does."

Lauren continued with her list, ignoring Sydney. "And then there is the orphan I'm sponsoring in Africa, and the documents hidden in the left upper bedpost, and…"

Sydney sighed and walked out the door. "Have fun!" she called behind her.

"You bet!" Lauren replied, and checked her watch. If she left in five minutes, she could just make it home in time for dinner. She considered her list, shredded it, and resolved to say as few potentially damaging things as possible on meeting with Elena Derevko.

Resolve, she thought sourly, hardly made the prospect easier to bear.

"Will you hand me that?"

Irina tossed the sweater in question to Elena, who folded it neatly and placed it in her suitcase.

"Rushka, you and Katya won't kill each other while I'm gone, right?" 

"Right," Katya affirmed, lingering in the doorway for a moment.

"You aren't leaving for two more days, Elena," Irina pointed out, eyeing her sister's suitcase. "You're going to be pulling those sweaters out of that suitcase before tomorrow afternoon."

Elena threatened her silently with the nearest book.

"So, planning on visiting Jack while you're there?" Katya asked innocently. Irina's eyes narrowed.

"Possibly," Elena replied absently. "Being family and all."

"Make sure you give him a kiss from Rushka," Katya reminded her wickedly. "Give him two. Or three."

"I don't kiss in-laws, Katya," Elena said dryly. "Rushka, stop pulling that face."

"Katya needs to watch her mouth," Irina replied testily, drumming her fingers against the blanket on Elena's bed. "It's going to get her in trouble, in more ways than one."

"I'm going to kiss your husband again someday," Katya told her seriously. "I liked it the first time. And the second."

Irina considered throwing herself off the bed and tackling Katya to the ground. "You're bored, aren't you?"

"Is it that obvious?" Katya asked, nodding.

Elena paused in her packing. "Maybe I should push my trip back."

"No, we need you to talk to Reed," Irina replied decidedly. "As long as our fair sister keeps guard on her tongue… there will be no bloodshed." She resumed tapping her fingers on the bedspread. "I haven't heard from Jack in weeks," she admitted quietly out of the blue, eyes trained on the wall in front of her.

"Men," Katya sniffed, dismissive, while cutting a quick glance at Elena. "Horrible pen-pals." She turned and walked out of the room. "I'll make some tea."

Irina stopped drumming her fingers. "Did Katya just say she was making tea?"

"Sounded like it."

She rolled off the bed gracefully. "This I have to see."

Elena followed her youngest sister into the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe, quirking a brow at Katya. "You're making tea, dear," she commented plainly.

Irina perched on the table, watching the proceedings with interest. Katya looked back at her. "Rushka, you have seen people make tea before, right?"

Irina grinned. "Yes. Keep going, I'm committing this to memory."

"You're really strange, Rushka." Katya shook her head, turning around to hide her amused expression from Irina. She pulled a cup out of the cupboard, considered it, sighed, and pulled out two more. "This will never happen again."

"Exactly," Irina replied, framing the image with her fingers. "I wish I had a camera handy."

There was a knock at the door. Elena's gaze flicked to Irina's hand, where a knife had mysteriously materialized. "But you do have a knife handy."

"Business." Irina shrugged. Someone thumped on the door again. Elena walked quickly over and checked through the small spy hole.

She laughed abruptly and unlocked the door. "Come in, come in!" she cried, pulling the door open. "You must be frozen."

"It's not so bad," a muffled voice replied. A slim figure unwound layers of scarf and coat, dropping them discretely on the floor next to the stove. A familiar hand pulled a hat from the figure's head, letting a chestnut braid fall.

Sydney smiled a tad sheepishly at her mother and aunts. "I hope you don't mind an unexpected guest." She walked over to her mother and accepted her hug. "Dad's coming in a few days, mom."

Irina resisted the urge to clap her hands victoriously. "He better have a good reason for being so quiet," she replied instead, eyes sparkling.

Katya groaned quietly as she pulled another cup from the cupboard. "Have any earplugs, Lena?"

"I came prepared," Sydney replied, hesitating in front of her. They eyed each other for a moment. Finally, Katya pulled her into a quick hug, accompanied by a slight smile.

"I thought you said you never wanted to visit," Elena chided gently, kissing her niece's cheek. "Did your father tell you where to find us?"

Sydney shrugged. "Perhaps I was a bit hasty in my earlier decision. And he didn't tell me- someone once told me that there was no excuse for you not to do your own research." She smiled brightly. "I destroyed all the evidence, of course."

Elena smiled approvingly. "I'm impressed. We're hard ladies to track down."

"Tell me about it," Sydney muttered, grimacing.

Elena pushed her to take a seat at the table as the kettle began to sing. "You came just in time, dear."

"Did I?" Sydney settled herself comfortably, noting with a wry grin the gentle flow of crimson silk in the window. Katya placed a mug in front of her, and she wrapped her cold hands around the warm exterior.

Irina accepted her own cup with a smug grin. "Thank you, Katushka."

Katya laughed quietly. "You're very welcome, I'm sure."

Elena took her own seat, adding sugar to her tea. "Things are finally the way they should be," she commented. "All the currently living women from this family gathered around one table again… mama would be so proud."

Irina nodded, conceding as Katya sat at the last remaining chair. "Welcome home, Sydney."

Her daughter caught her gaze. "I'm glad to be here."

She sipped her tea, and smiled.


	8. Derevko Sunday Supper

AN: This short piece is an unofficial sequel to Family Tea. I don't remember who I was chatting with, but we came to the conclusion during season three that Dixon was sleeping with Katya. Highly unlikely, yes, but in the world of Delayed Tea anything can happen.

****

"Pass the potatoes."

"I'd be delighted."

"What else would you be delighted to do?"

"Oh, I could-"

"There are children present."

"What?"

"You're the youngest, Irina. I'm demoting you."

"Elena!"

Cue the tossing of bread rolls.

"I'm just trying to keep Katya and her guest from talking dirty at Sunday table," Elena said calmly, dodging the five rolls that Irina threw with deadly accuracy at her head.

Only Irina could turn something like a yeast roll into a weapon. It said something about the role of the youngest child in their family.

"What were you saying?" Katya continued, ignoring her sisters.

"I was just about to mention the many ways I could be at your service, but I'm afraid your sisters are against making that public knowledge," he replied warmly, reaching out and tweaking her nose.

Irina rolled her eyes as Katya just smiled secretly. Elena tried, with little success, to hold back a snicker.

"Yes, Elena?"

"Nothing, Katya." She snickered again, and this time Irina joined her.

Katya crossed her arms over her chest, glaring. "Rushka, had the two in question been you and Jack, you both would have been on top of the table by now, upsetting the soup."

The man at her side paled slightly, which was no small feat.

Irina idly began juggling a few of the rolls that remained, and shrugged as she did so. "That's me. Not you."

The man watched her for a moment, and raised a brow. "They don't talk about your juggling talent in your file."

She added a fourth roll. "I almost joined a circus, once," she admitted humbly.

"Interesting."

"Walking a tightrope without a net probably would have been safer than joining the KGB," Elena muttered, and tossed her sister a fifth. It smoothly joined the rotation.

"But not nearly as amusing," Irina replied. "I never would have met Jack if I had joined that circus. Think of all the great sex I would have missed."

He considered briefly how much simpler his life had been before he had met Katya Derevko. No juggling criminals. No unwanted details of Jack Bristow's personal life. But Irina's last line, though slightly crude, was apt in his case as well.

"And Sydney," Irina continued. "I never would have had Sydney."

"This is a loss?" Katya asked, seemingly innocent. A roll flew out of rotation and smacked her between the eyes.

"Yes," said Irina calmly. "I'm sure Marcus would consider it one, as well."

Three pairs of dark eyes, sparkling with amusement, pinned him to his chair. "Definitely."

"Speaking of children," Katya began nonchalantly, "when do I get to meet yours?"

He blinked. "Don't you think that would be rather dangerous?"

"You're talking to a Derevko, Marcus," she replied, deadpan. "We love danger. And children."

"Together?"

"Is there a better combination of loves?"

Pause. "Possibly…" he replied slowly, unwilling to get on her bad side.

She smiled slightly. "Stop stepping around an invisible line. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Much," Irina and Elena chorused.

"Thank you so much," Katya hissed icily in their direction. "Trust is so easy to build around you two."

"Trust takes time," Irina replied without as much as a blink.

Katya's fists clenched.

The door flew open, admitting a whirl of snow and the forbidding form of Jack Bristow.

The rolls dropped to the floor, unheeded by Irina. "Aren't you a surprise," she started, standing with a wry smile.

"You _slept_ with _Sloane_?"

She froze, and her glare turned full force onto the de facto victim- Marcus Dixon.

Marcus shrunk slightly into his chair.

"Why would you get that idea, Jack?"

"Dixon told me. It was in the transcripts of Sloane's meetings with Dr. Barnett." He turned to Marcus for confirmation. "Right?"

And paused, considering the fact that Marcus, by all rights, should not be there.

Katya tsked. "You've been a bad boy, Marcus."

Suddenly, Marcus' life had taken a very bad turn.

"What the hell is going on here?" Jack asks sternly. His gaze dropped to the bread on the floor. "Irina, did you _juggle_ for him?"

"I didn't have an affair with Sloane," she answered instead, planting her hands on her hips. "I've never slept with him, ever." A slight expression of disgust settled on her face. "In a simple word, Jack- eww."

He dumped his coat and bag on the floor. "Sloane's just being a weasel again, hmm?"

"As usual." She crossed to him and settled her arms around his neck. "Hungry?"

Although his hands, hesitating over her backside, plainly said yes, his questioning gaze towards his colleague had to be answered.

"Marcus is with me, Jack," Katya informed him as Dixon considered how quickly his life had gone awry.

Jack blinked. "But you kissed me only a few months ago."

Irina pinched him, hard.

Dixon looked quickly at Katya. "You kissed him?"

"And she felt up his liver," Elena offered, hiding the stack of table knives under her napkin.

"You touched his _liver_?"

"Just trying to ascertain damage done to the organ," she sniffed, looking at him coolly. "Don't get mad, Marcus. Sometimes you have to do unpleasant things in this line of business."

Jack and Irina bristled.

"Kissing me has never been an unpleasant act," Jack stated.

Dixon hesitated, and finally settled with a safe, "I'm sure."

Sunday dinner had never been so dangerous.


End file.
